Reckless
by br0flove
Summary: What if he hadn't been so lucky? What if she hadn't made it in time? She wasn't going to let him turn out like Riley, she couldn't lose him, too. Ellie/Joel.


"_Joel_!"

She's running towards him, her knife clasped in her hand as her legs move at a rate she doesn't even think she can possibly force on herself, but she's speeding toward her protector, ears perking up at the sound of the Clicker's cries as its jaws snap nearer to Joel's face – _no, no, no, no_ – growling angrily down at him as it fights its hardest for the skin and blood it smells. She keeps running, finally getting somewhat near to them and reaching out for the Clicker's rotting clothes, grabbing the fabric of its sleeve and pulling it back toward her, clumsily jumping and clasping her legs around its waist, her knife frantically stabbing into its neck. Once, twice, three times – down.

She falls off of the Clicker before it hits the ground, panting momentarily before she remembers Joel's struggle and rushes to him, her hands on his face as he pants, eyes wide.

"I'm alright," he says, moving his hands over hers and pushing them back to her own body. She stumbles a little with the force and she knows he's just shaken up but her chest tightens and her gut drops at the rejection.

Her hands are shaking at her sides as she steps toward the clicker and retracts her knife from its neck, hesitantly looking anywhere but Joel. That was too close. She's scared, she's absolutely terrified because this is their first encounter with the infected since they entered Jackson four years ago. She's terrified because she thought she'd lost him for a moment but she knows she hasn't, she knows she should be grateful but she's fuming because he just wasn't _careful_. He's forever scolding her to keep her voice down but _he_ fucked up and he nearly died and he nearly left and he said –

"Ellie," Joel sighs, wiping his hand across his beard as he moves over to her, knees shaking with adrenaline. "Are you alright? Are you hurt?"

She spins on her heel and glares at him, wiping the blade of her mother's knife against the denim of her jeans. "_Me_?" She laughs bitterly. "Jesus Christ, Joel, you were the one that nearly –" she stops again, catching her breath in her throat as she tucks the knife away.

"It's alright, it didn't get me," he tells her, stepping closer to her.

She shakes her head. "What if it did, Joel? You need to be more careful, what if it got you, huh? What if you get bit?"

Joel shakes his head, drawing his hand up to his face again, rubbing his beard in exasperation. "I didn't get bit, Ellie, I'm _fine_, now let's just head back," he says, reaching a hand out to grab her elbow and pull her away but she pulls back and snatches her arm away like he's burnt her.

"But you could've done, Joel, and you're not immune to this – you could have died just then." Her voice is coming out in shaky breaths as Joel's hands finally find their place on her arms, soothingly rubbing up and down, shaking her ever so slightly to look at him. She does. "What if you leave me?" She asks, her eyes looking at his with desperation, panic, fear and rage.

"I'm not goin' anywhere," he promises, but she shakes her head and holds her hands against his arms.

"You will," she whispers, shaking her head again. "What if you get bit one day? Or you get hurt and you can't get better? I can't do that again, Joel – I can't – I can't. What if I can't help you? What if you don't get better? What if –"

He knows why she's so afraid, he knows the winter was cruel to her and he knows she fought it alone. He's never forgiven himself for being so reckless and relying on her to aid him back to health but she did, and she did a damn good job. But he knows how frightened she was the entire time, he knows she fought day in and day out to keep him alive and he knows how scared she gets when something comes close to hurting him again, he knows because he's the same with her.

"I ain't leavin'," he promises, squeezing her arms. "You're not gonna be on your own again, Ellie." She stares back at him, her eyes burning with unshed tears. "You have my word, baby girl. Not again."

She nods, pressing her head against his shoulder as he brings her closer. "You scared the shit outta me," she whispers, her words still shaky but laced with some humour that makes Joel crack a small smile.

"It's alright," he promises. "We're okay. C'mon lets head back, get this blood off."

She nods, stepping away from him and wiping her cheeks of the tears she released against his shoulder. Joel rearranges the bag on his back and keeps a hold on her arm, slipping his hand into hers with a gentle squeeze. "We're okay," he reminds her.

Ellie looks down, nodding silently as she squeezes back and tries to take comfort in those words.

* * *

><p>When they get back to the dam, Ellie walks off and tells Joel she's going to speak to Maria about duty on the wall. Joel simply nods and pushes himself back into the house, the day's events catching up on him. He falls against the beat-up couch and places his arm over his eyes, catching his breath over the thoughts of Ellie running, her scream of his name and the fear in his body. What if he hadn't been so lucky? What if she hadn't made it in time?<p>

He shakes his head and presses his arm harder over his eyes, his other hand clenching into a fist as it drapes off of the sofa. "God damnit," he hisses.

* * *

><p>At the back of the dam, near to the wall, Ellie has set up a small array of pots and cans, all lined up on the table. She stares at them for a moment, her eyes burning with tears, her face hot. She swings the pipe in her arms and crashes it down against the table, letting out whimpers and angry mumblings as she smashes against the pots, knocking the cans off of the table and continuing to smash whatever she can, denting the metal surface repeatedly.<p>

When she's worn her arms out, she throws the pipe and drops onto her knees, pressing her head against the ground, letting out harsh pants as she digs her hands into the dirt beneath her.

"_There's some more stuff over there you can break_."

Her head snaps up, tears still welling in her eyes as she pushes herself off of the ground and looks around. She doesn't see anyone, but she knows that voice, she knows that voice because that's the little voice inside her head that scolds her for doing stupid shit.

Ellie wipes the back of her hand against her cheek and sniffles, looking over at the pipe on the floor, she remembers, then. She remembers when she got bit and she remembers smashing everything in sight – she didn't care then about making a sound, they were already bit and already screwed so what was the point in keeping it all in anymore? She knows she's replayed that scene again but she can't help it, it's the easiest way to release her anger without having to explain it to anyone.

She realises how close it was today, how close she was to losing Joel over a little mistake, how close she was to being on her own all over again, because he's really the last person she has and she _can't_ lose him. She presses her face into her hands and lets out a small sob.

She nearly replayed the whole thing over again, but this time, it would only be Joel. This time she wouldn't think she was losing herself as well as her best friend, this time if he goes, she's all alone and she knows that as soon as he gets hurt it's only going to be her and she can't do anything about it.

She lets out another strangled sob and presses her hand over her mouth to muffle her cry. She can't lose Joel, not like that. She can't let him go just like she let Riley go. _She can't_. She remembers winter and almost losing Joel, losing him to his own nightmares, the pain that was sucking him morbid hallucinations. She remembers the winter nights where she would hold his head in her lap to try to calm him down, her hand over his mouth to muffle his screams of agony; but she can't remember whether it was the pain or the dreams causing him distress, but she knows she was hurting too. She wipes her face and stands up, dirt spreading across her cheek as she turns around and starts to head back.

She can't lose him, and he has to know that.

* * *

><p>Joel is pacing the kitchen when she returns.<p>

When he hears the door slam shut he immediately bursts into the living room, grabbing her arms and looking her over, brushing her hair out of her face and examining the dirt on her cheeks, the redness of her nose and the fear in her eyes.

"Joel," she starts, but falls into him as he pulls her close and pets her hair in comfort. "You can't leave me," she tells him and he nods, hushing her.

"I'm not goin' anywhere," he assures her, repeating his words from earlier that day, but she shakes her head and grabs his shoulders and pulls herself back to stare into his eyes. All he can see is fear.

"You need to be careful," she says, moving her hands to his neck, his cheeks, his forehead, his hair and back to his shoulders. _He's okay_, she tells herself._ He's not going anywhere, he's here_. "Please, Joel, you need to be careful, you can't fight on your own anymore, okay? It's me and you, now, we're a team. It's not just you anymore, please. _Please_, Joel."

She's begging him and he's nodding, stroking her hair and soothing her with whispers against her forehead as he hushes her and rocks her. "I know," he tells her. "I know, girl. I was just tryin' to keep them away from you."

"I can't get infected, Joel," she cries, squeezing his shoulders again and clenching her eyes shut. "But you can. You can and I can't. _Please_." She opens her eyes to meet his, head shaking, hair falling in her face as she begs silently. _Please don't turn out like Riley, or Sam, or Tess. _

"I won't. I'll be careful."

She feels the weight lift off her shoulders, relieving the pain in her chest only slightly as she nods and Joel nods back at her, brushing her hair away and keeping a rough hand against her cheek. "C'mon, let's clean you up."

She nods again as Joel leads her into the kitchen and places her on top of the counter as he wets an old rag and wipes it against her cheek, holding her chin up and occasionally mumbling that they're okay, they're safe, he isn't going anywhere, and Ellie only nods and watches him the whole time, holding his arm as it moves across her face.

"I'm sorry," she says in a small whisper. "I'm sorry for freaking out like that, that was really uncool."

Joel smiles then, a small, humoured smile as he scrubs her cheek of the drying dirt. "It's only natural to panic, girl. It's been a while since we been out there, and it ain't got any easier to deal with." He places the wet rag beside her and steps between her thighs, keeping one hand on her cheek, the other finding the small of her back. "Nothin's gonna happen to me, not for a long while yet."

She knows he's trying to comfort her, but those words only sting more because there's still a possibility that he's going to leave her alone, even if it's not intentionally.

"I'll be careful," he promises her again, noticing the worry in her eyes as he tries to consult her. "Long as you got my back, we'll be fine."

"I've always got your back," she tells him, squeezing his arm and pressing her face into his neck. "Don't do that again," she curses and Joel laughs, kissing her hair.

"Yes, ma'am."

"I mean it, Joel," she says, pulling back from his neck. "I'm serious, I need you with me."

He nods and presses their foreheads together. "Me too," he admits. "It's you and me."

She nods, looking down at his shirt, her fingers finding the material there and fiddling with it.

"C'mon," he whispers, removing her hands and lifting her in his arms. "Let's go to bed."

She knows she should bathe first, but she can't bear the thought of being away from him at the moment. She closed her eyes for only minutes and Riley had already started turning, the Cordyceps eating every part of her and when she finally met Ellie's eyes she knew it was over.

"Joel," she whispers, her head buried back into his neck as they make their way into his room. He places her on the cot and scoots in beside her, bringing her to his chest with a muffled grunt to let her know he's listening. "Can you read something, just for a little while? I don't want to sleep yet."

Joel nods, moving his arm over to the small table beside his cot and grabbing one of her comics. It's the nearest thing he can grab without letting her go, not that he has a choice anyway, because she's clutching so tightly at his shirt, scared to lose him even for a second.

He reads to her in a small voice and it takes only minutes for her to curl against him and fall asleep. He doesn't stop until her breathing has evened out and once it has, he places the comic on the floor and switches the small lamp off that's sitting on the table and buries his nose in her hair, taking a deep breath as he closes his eyes.

"I love you, Joel," she whispers, moving her leg over his as he brushes his hand against her back.

"I know, girl," he whispers back. "I know."

She lets out a content sigh, burying her face into his shirt, breathing his scent in before she falls back asleep. He's there. _They're okay_.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I'm not thrilled with it, but for now it'll do until I can think of anything better to write, but I've had this idea in my head for a while and your reviews are super appreciated. Let me know what you thought. I'm trying to improve with these characters, they're really not that easy to write. How did I do? Be nice..<strong>


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